Not threatened by love

I just read a post that has an interesting take on adoptive  parenting.  I haven’t thought of it this way, as BB was so young when she came to us and she came so easily and willingly.  Yet, she did come with a past and loves before us.  My favorite part is the last paragraph, which I’m posting below.  For the full message, read the whole post HERE.

My current stand is that adoption should be limited only to those parents who can wholeheartedly embrace the truth that they are not now, nor will they ever be, their children’s first or only loves. That each and every AP is in their child’s rebound relationship. If a PAP is at all threatened by the reality (in open adoption) or fantasy (in any other) of the first family plus anyone who took care of their future child (foster, nannies, etc.), they should rethink their decision to adopt or be willing to confront their own fears and prejudices to move past that threat. Because most children will not feel threatened by their first or foster families, but will feel dismissed when first or foster families are held in fear, not in love.  ~  Mama D at Zarfing Sunshine

I have often thought that I want BB to be able to love many, much, and safely.  I will not be threatened by her love – for anyone.  I believe by doing so, I will not lose her love.  This is my hope.

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4 Responses

  1. Mama D is now on my “blogs to read” list.

  2. So agree. Sadly I have found even those who proclaim that they are open to oftentimes maintain actions that are closed to first families, foster families, nannies, etc.
    I am so glad to know you are not one of those AP’s, it shows in your willingness and wanting to know her truths as well.
    Trust me, I have seen the change in many of my “friends” since have found M’s family. It saddens me that they no longer handle communicating with me because of their inner fears, but I am more saddened for their children who will never be able to establish the trust necessary with their parents about their time before them.

  3. Every so often I see something that reminds me of my own adoption back in 1966. Back then open adoption was NOT. I have very little information on my biological family make so much more difficult because my adoptive family chose to change my date of birth and place of birth on my birth certificate. I know that this was the “norm” back then but it has always left me feeling like the first chapter of the book of my life is blank. Although my adoptive father told me my real nationality there would be so many more questions I would love to know….. I mean aside from the expected like medical history and the “why”.
    Of course I have created my own little version of my “first chapter” but mystery and questions remain. I’m not sure I feel actual anger at not ever being able to know but I feel like there is some sort of mourning that needs to happen. Something was lost that cannot ever be recovered.

  4. I love the simple truth of those words. So simple, yet so threatening to those with a lower sense of self and their “role” in their child’s life. I am a PAP (through China) and from they very beginning my husband and I accepted (and embraced) the natural fact that we are not her original parents, nor would be be her first choice, as I cannot imagine anyone choosing to be abandoned/left to be found/relinquished and raised by any other people than their birth parents.

    “I have often thought that I want BB to be able to love many, much, and safely. I will not be threatened by her love – for anyone. I believe by doing so, I will not lose her love. This is my hope.”

    I love this and feel the same. In this world it seems that love can sometimes be so hard to come by, so if I raise a child that can give love and be loved in return, I would consider that success, not a threat to my role as mom.

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