My promises

We have been working with BB on making and keeping promises lately.   I’ve been thinking about a post on my promises to her and it seems like a good time to put it together.

  • I will  explain things to you to the best of my ability.  I won’t answer simply “because” or “it’s inappropriate” to a question, however I might begin an answer that way.  If I don’t know the answer to your question, I will tell you that.  However, some of my answers may border on the ridiculous (especially when the questions do!).
  • I will not hit you.  I believe hitting people is wrong and I don’t think I can teach you not to hit others if I hit you.  If I become tempted to use physical punishment, I will talk to others who share this value with me to find other ways.  This has worked in the past and my resolve is strong in this matter.  I believe I can always find other ways.
  • I will do my best to handle adoption issues well.  I will not be threatened by your interest in your biological family, however that plays out.
  • I will set strong limits when I think they are important, especially about the quality of your  food and amount sleep, as these are important to your growth, development, and ability to learn.  Safety rules are also critical, as you need to stay alive and well for any of this to matter.  
  • I will provide natural consequences for positive and negative behavior whenever possible.  I will do my best to help you understand the point of things.
  • I will understand if you tell me it is hard to be adopted.  I understand that your family that you now know got the easy side of the adoption triad.
  • I will not make threats.  If I say I there will be a consequence; there will be.  I won’t say you’ll lose something that I am unable or unwilling to take away.  For instance, if I really want to go out for ice cream, I will not tell you that you will lose ice cream as a consequence because I’m likely not to stick with it.
  • I will apologize if I hurt you or make a mistake and I will teach you to do the same.  I see this as a sign of strength and I want us both to be strong.
  • I will understand that as long as racism exists that race matters.  I will not forget that your experience of the world regarding race will be different than mine and I am not well-equipped to prepare you for it.  I will do my best anyway.
  • I will teach you to make your own decisions and provide you with many opportunities to make age-appropriate choices.
  • I will not expect you to be grateful to be adopted.
  • I will teach you to think for yourself, understanding that I may not always like or agree with the choices you make (how can you not like cheese???).
  • I will respect your boundaries and limits.  For example, there will be no kisses when you don’t want to give or receive them.
  • I will  not believe our family or culture is better or worse than the ones you were born into.
  • I will assume you understand things, always trying to teach you a little above where you have last understood.  You have been showing me that you learn quickly and I must always assume you might be ready to move on.  I’m hoping when you surpass me that I won’t feel too sad about it.
  • I will love and protect you and teach you to love and protect yourself.
  • I will continue to revise this list as you show me it is necessary.
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7 Responses

  1. amazing, perfect.

    how can she not like cheese??? :O)

  2. Very well thought out. I like this.

  3. Wonderful and beautiful. Thank you.

  4. Great post. This reminds me of a post I did at one time too and another that I have still in draft mode. Maybe you are silently pushing me to finish that one.

    I really do think that us APs have a huge openess of the challenges our kids and our families will face in the future and all we can attempt to do is to raise them the best we know how and give them the tools they need to be good people.

  5. Truly the heart & soul of a Mother. I wish all Mothers, by birth or adoption, felt & cared so deeply. Bing may not always agree or like you or your methods, but she will always know in her heart that you love her. That is the most important thing you can give any child.

  6. I feel the need to add one: I will not be controlled by drool. I’m still working on this so as soon as it’s mastered I’ll be meeting with ya BingBing!

  7. This is what parenting is truly about — may we all be so wise and strong!

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