White Swan Barbie ~ Part 2

 We have decided to save Freakazoid Barbie for Snowflake for later to let her decide what to do with it ~ keep it, sell it on Ebay for her college fund, or sell it and donate the money to her orphanage ~ will be a few suggestions.  The box says it is suitable for children over age 14, so maybe we’ll wait until then.  Anyway, here’s how I imagine the conversation going when she sees it:

Snowflake: But mother, this Barbie is impossible!

Cavatica:  Oh?  How so, my dear child?

S: Well, my first thought is that she’s obviously infertile due to her anorexia, making adoption an obvious choice for growing her family.

C: Hmmm.

S: But, then I thought… but if I was infertile due to anorexia wouldn’t I just eat?  It seems like such an easy fix, when so many infertility problems are so darn complicated, Mother.  She could just start menstruating and get pregnant lickety-split!

C: You’re so right, Snowflake.

S:  The thing is, that people with anorexia don’t just start eating to fix the myriad of problems caused by their illness. 

C: It isn’t so easy is it?

S: So, Barbie’s infertility remains.  However, if Barbie has anorexia she shouldn’t want a child!

C: Huh?

S: Well, her mental state is regressed.  She never grew up, Mother!  She doesn’t want kids.  She doesn’t even want a husband.  Ken’s gay, you know.

C: He is?

S: Well, yes.  Barbie can’t get into a relationship with a straight man.  She’d be terrified.  No, gay men are safe.  Ken is wonderful for her.  He treats her so well and includes her in everything.  They go to the gay pride parades in Barbie’s mini-van camper.

C: Is Barbie a lesbian?

S: Oh no, Mother.  If she was she’d be so much better adjusted.  Of course, CCAA wouldn’t let her adopt if she was, which is just wrong.  So you see, this Barbie is impossible.

And this is how the White Swan Barbie will cease to exist in about 13 years.  My daughter, Snowflake, will prove it’s impossibility, and contact Mattel of Hong Kong, who will see their error and discontinue it.  It’s value will increase dramatically.  So save these dolls, if you have them, wait 20+ years and you’ll be able to sell them for thousands!

4 Responses

  1. I think someone definitely has too much time on her hands! Time to get back to work!
    (Snowflake…… your auntie is normal and shall save you and if your mother ever calls you dear child you call me and fast!)

  2. OMG you have one. Satan’s doll.
    I thought Barbie was bad enough, but I was sadly mistaken.
    This doll disturbs me in all the wrong places.

    She is holding the baby Michael Jackson style the way you hold a clutch purse.

    Spank you very much for taking my torch on this subject.

    Your comment made me laugh out. thanks.

  3. Hey there –

    FYI…. Ken’s “parts” (or lack thereof) are officially called his “nub”. Really.

  4. So twisted but I loooove it!

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